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Thread: Let's Share Some Jokes

  1. ´╗┐If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. -- Robert X. Cringely
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    I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.

  2. #22
    Question: What do you call a bankrupt goldfish?
    Answer: Fish

  3. #23
    Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

    The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
    the day off and go relax."

    Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

    The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

    A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

    He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

    Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

  4. #24
    Where do you think lawyers come from?

    A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

  5. Q. What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?

    A. Chelsea Clinton
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    I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.

  6. #26
    Chosen for jury duty.

    A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

    "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

    With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

  7. #27
    An Honest Scammer

  8. #28
    What goes clop clop, clop clop, bang bang, clop clop, clop clop?
    An Amish drive-by.

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    What starts with F and ends in K?

    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
    The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
    My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
    I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
    The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
    If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
    She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
    Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
    Harry: '9.'

    Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
    Harry: '36.'

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a
    3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

    Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
    Harry: 'Pants.'

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
    Harry: 'Coconut.'

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
    Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
    Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
    Harry: ' Shake hands .'

    The principal was trembling.
    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
    Harry: 'Firetruck.'

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......'

  10. Two vampires walk into a bar.

    The third one ducks.
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    I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.

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