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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. One-Liners

    There’s room for all God’s creatures. Right next to the
    mashed potatoes.

    There’s always at least one bolt on anything that’s adjustable.
    and it fits whatever size wrench you don’t have.


    Folks who claim to want respect, honesty and decency but don’t
    sign their letters to the editor make me wonder who’s being
    honest, decent and showing respect.


    If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?


    I surf the real world.


    Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.


    This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it’s an educated one.



  2. #22
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Location
    In my Home
    Posts
    303
    I liked this one, it is not funny but has profound meaning.

    Quote Originally Posted by badmash View Post
    There’s room for all God’s creatures. Right next to the
    mashed potatoes.

    There’s always at least one bolt on anything that’s adjustable.
    and it fits whatever size wrench you don’t have.


    Folks who claim to want respect, honesty and decency but don’t
    sign their letters to the editor make me wonder who’s being
    honest, decent and showing respect.


    If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?


    I surf the real world.


    Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.


    This is no ordinary silly grin on my face, it’s an educated one.



  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Heartbeat City
    Posts
    180
    This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room”. Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, "Ill choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Hamburg, Germany
    Posts
    527
    An attorney ran over to the office of his client. “I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney. “You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in our case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!” “Relax,” said the client, “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”
    Follow me on Twitter: @hendricius

  5. Classy Insults

    Sadly, we have lost the art of the well-crafted insult. Here are some examples of classy insults from a time gone by:

    "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
    --Winston Churchill

    "A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
    ---Winston Churchill

    "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
    -- Clarence Darrow

    "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
    -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

    "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
    -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

    "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
    -- Moses Hadas

    "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
    -- Abraham Lincoln

    "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
    -- Groucho Marx

    "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
    -- Mark Twain

    "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
    -- Oscar Wilde

    "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
    -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

    "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
    -- Winston Churchill, in response.

    "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
    -- Stephen Bishop

    "He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
    -- John Bright

    "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
    -- Irvin S. Cobb

    "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
    -- Samuel Johnson

    "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
    -- Paul Keating

    "He had delusions of adequacy."
    -- Walter Kerr

    "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
    -- Jack E. Leonard

    "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
    -- Robert Redford

    "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
    -- Thomas Brackett Reed

    "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
    -- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

    "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
    -- Forrest Tucker

    "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
    -- Mark Twain

    "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
    -- Mae West

    "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
    -- Oscar Wilde

    "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
    -- Billy Wilder

  6. #26
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    www.TheIMForum.com
    Posts
    964
    An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

    He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

    She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

    The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

    She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

  7. #27
    A man walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He explains that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $2,000.

    The bank officer says, "We will need some kind of security for such a loan."

    The man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked in front of the bank. The Bank does a registration check with NYDMV. Everything checks out. The Officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    While the man is away the Bank realizes their client is a multimillionaire. So several weeks later when he returns, repays the $2,000 and the interest which comes to $5.41, the loan officer questions, "Why would you bother to borrow $2,000? You are very wealthy."

    The man replies, "Parking. Where can you park in midtown Manhattan for two weeks for only five dollars plus change?"

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Location
    Hamburg, Germany
    Posts
    527



    Am thinking -- what could be your thoughts now..he he
    Follow me on Twitter: @hendricius

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Heartbeat City
    Posts
    180
    Wahahaha...it's a great joke !
    Quote Originally Posted by 5starpix View Post
    A man walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He explains that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $2,000.

    The bank officer says, "We will need some kind of security for such a loan."

    The man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked in front of the bank. The Bank does a registration check with NYDMV. Everything checks out. The Officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    While the man is away the Bank realizes their client is a multimillionaire. So several weeks later when he returns, repays the $2,000 and the interest which comes to $5.41, the loan officer questions, "Why would you bother to borrow $2,000? You are very wealthy."

    The man replies, "Parking. Where can you park in midtown Manhattan for two weeks for only five dollars plus change?"

  10. #30
    this is really very good.

    great exa. that how people can utilize all available resources with his 6 inch long brain.

    Quote Originally Posted by 5starpix View Post
    A man walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He explains that he is going to Italy on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $2,000.

    The bank officer says, "We will need some kind of security for such a loan."

    The man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked in front of the bank. The Bank does a registration check with NYDMV. Everything checks out. The Officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    While the man is away the Bank realizes their client is a multimillionaire. So several weeks later when he returns, repays the $2,000 and the interest which comes to $5.41, the loan officer questions, "Why would you bother to borrow $2,000? You are very wealthy."

    The man replies, "Parking. Where can you park in midtown Manhattan for two weeks for only five dollars plus change?"
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